A long absence

I apologize for my lengthy delay. I have no excuse other than I nearly completely forgot about this blog. Strange, though understandable. I've had a lot on my mind lately, and if you like, I shall indulge you.

I can't remember if I'd mentioned it on here previously, but I had taken up work in a daycare position. It was difficult at first, but over the past couple weeks I thought I was getting a hang of it. The kids were listening more, I was getting the hang of how things worked and what needed to be done every day. Basically, what I'm saying is, I had no indication anything was going poorly; certainly not poorly enough to be let go. I had my three-week review, in which there were a few areas I could have improved. I didn't know if I hadn't mastered these areas in the next couple weeks I'd be fired. I did work on these areas over the next three weeks, and was not told I needed to improve or work harder in the areas mentioned, so it came as complete surprise that they thought I was incapable of doing my job.

 I was told late in the afternoon on Wednesday that I had my six-week review the next day. I was slightly peeved, as this was less than 24 hours notice (I would have expected at least a couple days notice) - was the expectation I had nothing planned, or didn't have a family, so that I could put my life on hold at a moments notice? It so happened I did have a dental appointment that I was not expected to be out of until at least 12, my review being at 12:30. I knew there was no way I would make it for 12:30, what with traffic and a 30 minute commute from the dentist's office already. I told my supervisor I would do my best to be there on time, but with the short notice, I couldn't guarantee anything. Had I been given sufficient notice, I might have been able to postpone my dental appointment, but this was not the case.

I went to my appointment, and was not out of the office until 12:17. I was worried, and stressed. I was going to be late to my review through no fault of my own, and I knew my lateness was going to get special mention. I was also angry because I knew they would place the blame squarely on me. And, sure enough, the first comment I get before I've even had a seat? "Time's really sensitive for us," she said curtly without looking at me. She shuffled her papers a bit as I sat down in shock. "... we'll just get started. We've decided to pass you on your probation. We don't think you're the right fit." I wait half a second before asking, "Could you be more specific?"

Their reasons were many, none of which I believe were fair at all. First of all, had I known anything was the matter I would have tried to fix it right away. One of the reasons they gave was that I was was not assertive enough with the kids. I thought, maybe I could have improved, but I didn't know how. When one of the kids was acting out, I would kneel down, look them in the eyes, and tell them why they shouldn't be doing what they were doing. For instance, we don't throw wood-chips because it might hurt a friend, or we don't climb on furniture because we might fall and hurt ourselves. Aside from restraining them, what else could I have done? Another reason they gave was that I didn't seem to take initiative, or do things on my own. I don't know where that came from either. On many occasions I was the only one making snack or cleaning up snack or cleaning up toys, or staying late because one or two kid's parents were late. We all did it, we all shared responsibility. One other thing they said that I was fuming over was that I don't engage the children in activities. I'm wondering if they weren't just making these things up as they went along. My supervisor was rarely around to supervise, so how could he have seen me do any of these things? I actually stopped her in the middle of her list after she said that I wasn't engaging the children. "Now, I know that's not right." I said. I was told to be quiet until she was finished. I just wanted to scream - as far as I understood, no one in that room was my supervisor anymore and had no right to tell me what to do. I was so distressed when they were finished I just broke down. It was completely unfair. I helped the children in many activities. I played table hockey with them, I did crafts with them, beaded art, I taught them how to finger knit, I played tag with them outside. I still cannot believe that they were using that as an excuse for me not to work there anymore. I can admit freely that it's possible I needed to work on other areas, but not to the point that I was neglecting my duties. The children were always safe in my care and never got away with anything (Another reason they said I was "not a right fit" - the children thought they could get away with more while I was around. I think this was incorrectly observed. I know I didn't exactly catch the children the MOMENT they acted out, but when you're left in a room of 12-16 kids alone, you're bound to miss something.) I also mentioned that I had only found out about the meeting the day before. I was told "It was planned on Monday." "Okay..." "And you found out about it on Wednesday." "Yeah." I waited for her to explain, but apparently I wasn't getting an explanation. She had nothing to say on the matter, as if it was not important, and continued on with, well, leaving. I was furious, but what could I do? Nothing I said would matter, apparently.

As I said before, I had no indication anything was amiss. I felt alienated at my work, and on more than one occasion decisions were made without my knowledge. As you can imagine, this didn't turn out well when I had no idea what was going on but was expected to. Because it is often hectic in that environment, I couldn't always just pull someone aside and ask them questions. Not to mention the fact that two of the four staff - the two staff I was with 98% of the time - were not to be left alone with the kids because they were supportive staff and had to tend to their own kids. So if I was outside with the kids, and one had to go inside to use the washroom, it was too bad. I couldn't go in with them, and I couldn't send them in alone. I also couldn't send them in if one of the supportive staff were in there because they couldn't look after anyone but their one child. What was I to do? I was so frustrated, and I had planned to bring this all up at our staff meeting, but it turned out to be nothing more than doing paperwork any one person could have done in an afternoon. Time ran out, and I had to do the walk.

I think the main thing that bugs me is that I had absolutely no idea I needed to improve. Everyone can improve at their job, but if you're new, and have no training, how can you be expected to know everything right away? And master it, no less? Especially when you're not being told you could improve?

Needless to say, I've been losing sleep over this ordeal. I'll be out looking for work today. They offered me a subbing position, but considering the circumstances I don't think I'll be working for that company again any time soon.

The worst thing of all is I'll really miss the kids.