The Holidays

Today is December 23rd, and as a Christmas Eve Eve present the twins get vaccinations. Lovely! Poor babies. The only consolation is that they might sleep pretty well tonight because of them. I am hoping Silas does not get the fever her got last time. It was quite worrying.

We have been furiously cleaning the apartment in anticipation of company over the next couple of days. Mom, Tom, and Isaac are on their way as I speak, and should be here in about 5 hours. We are so excited. I'm glad the twins will be able to see their family. I'm glad we'll be able to see them too, and play games, and eat good food and have fun. I might lock them in the closet so they can't leave.

We bought a steam vacuum. Unfortunately, Temu has never learned not to pee wherever he sees fit. He's "not all there" as is said... and no amount of training has ever taught him not to pee on the carpet. He does use the litter box, he's just a dumb cat. :/ (The real problem is, someone here before us had a dog/cat/animal who peed everywhere, Temu smells it, tries to cover it up...) So anyway, we're paying for it. Hopefully our next place will have laminate and we can clean it up right when he does it. It frustrates me to no end, and if there were someone gracious enough to take him, I'd hand him over. It makes me sad, because he's not my cat, he's Robb's, and I know Robb loves him despite his flaws. I also know that... well, it's just gross, and unsanitary, and smells bad, and so forth. Some people have asked me if he'd do OK outside on a farm, but he's such a dumb cat he'd probably use up his 9 lives THAT DAY. Anyway... I can bitch and moan but it's not going to make the problem go away.

I should get back to cleaning. I just felt compelled to write and too often I ignore that feeling. Robb accidentally knocked over the tree earlier, (we're moving everything around so we can steam vacuum) so I'm going to go put the decorations back on and make it look pretty again.

Ta-Ta for now :)

8 months

The twins were born nearly 8 months ago. What a journey it has been so far.

In the past month, Silas has reached a few substantial milestones. He has succeeded at: reaching for wanting to be picked up, getting up on his hands and knees, sitting up on his own, and getting to a sitting position from being on his stomach. He learns so quickly, once he has a mind to.

Spark has learned to crawl already. She's not as all-over-the-place as I thought she would be though. As long as she has some toys around her, she pretty much stays in the same area. Every now and again though, much to my dismay, I see her break free and go after something (usually cords, sometimes a chair.)

Robb and I are more career minded these days. I am looking into 3D Animation and Design, and Robb is looking into Programming. Unfortunately, school is expensive, so we'll plummet more into debt before we can get out of it. I'm trying to be optimistic these days, but it's proving hard. I was excited to have a job, and my depression sank in more when my hip acted up again and I lost the ability to work. Now Robb is looking for part time work, and I feel bad. He tells me not to, and there's no reason I should. (He doesn't mind working.) I know this, for I am a rational person, but unfortunately depression overrides rational thinking - at least in my case. It's so hard to get out of a depressive mindset, and when you feel like a failure, even harder.

In the meantime, I spend every second looking after - and having fun with - the twins. Every day they get easier to look after, and every day they develop a little more. I'm anxiously awaiting the day they will be able to walk to the park with me, or even walk to the car on their own. It will make going out so much easier. We are also working on signing with them more. They know the sign for "tickle", and they lift up their arms if they want to be picked up - which isn't an ASL sign, but we still consider it signing.

I am hoping that a year from now I will be in a better place, both physically and mentally. I am looking forward to VCON next year, and am working on some art to sell at the art auction. That being said, I think I am going to go work on it, as I just put Silas down to bed.

Goodnight Dear Void.

3 weeks

Three weeks ago I had a job. I was really excited, because the company was exciting. I had opportunities at every turn, from advancement, to online courses I could take for free. The job was simple, the people friendly.

Unfortunately, my bursitis came back. For those who don't know, 2 years ago I had crippling bursitis in my hip. I had to quit my job, and was more-or-less confined to my bed, or the couch. I had good days that allowed me to go out, but working was out of the question. Apparently, working is still out of the question. That is to say, any work that requires me to stand for long periods of time. I'm quite angry about this, as Robb and I both were looking forward to paying off some bills this month. Now, every day, I'm on craigslist looking for jobs I can do to earn a little extra cash. We're hoping our tax rebate comes soon.

Three weeks from now will nearly be the start of a new year. Isaac's birthday is on the 31st, mine two weeks later. Christmas is soon, and Mom, Tom and Isaac will be over to celebrate the twins' first Christmas with us. We seriously need to clean this place up before then! Most of it is boxes that we've emptied, or formula boxes. Luckily we have recycling bins just by our garbage bin so it's easy to dispose of.

In other news, Robb and I have been thinking of starting a blog for our journey "into the wild" so-to-speak. Our dream is to own a small bit of land a build a house on it. Not a conventional house by any means. Probably a yurt at first, or permanently. We've not decided yet. We're also looking into living sustainably, and have found many great resources online, including ways to use your own waste to fertilize your garden. We've also found ways to reuse our grey water. All in all, I think it's going to be a fun adventure! Look forward to our blog in the near future.

Spark's getting fussy so I'd better wrap up for today.

How things go...

I'm finding the new job pretty easy. There's a lot to remember, especially PLU codes for produce, but overall it seems to be pretty straight forward. We got to practice with produce which I think was the most fun. We went to the produce section and loaded up a basket, then rung them all through. Then, for the first time today, we actually had customers. It was pretty easy, but I'm apprehensive about being on my own! For some reason, I hate asking for help because I feel stupid. At my first job, when I was fifteen, I was put on a till on my first shift in the middle of a very busy rush hour without any training or anything. I ended up voiding transactions for the first hour or two just because I didn't know how to tender them, and it was too hectic to ask anyone. So basically, I'd cost the company a few hundred dollars because I wasn't trained. We've had a lot of training at this job, but I'm still apprehensive about asking for help I am going to need, or looking like I don't know what I'm doing if I get stuck. I just want things to go smoothly, and it will eventually I guess.

The twins got their 6 months shots finally. They've been having a rough day, and had a rough night last night. today is a lot better though.

It smells like someone is making a lemon cake somewhere in the building. Maybe it's just my imagination.

So, we're getting a good rebate from the government. Robb finally had time to do the taxes today. We were both behind a few years. If we get the rebate it looks like we're going to get, we can finally move out, and maybe even start our business. I'm really excited. We are also looking into housing assistance, as we made well below the required amount this year with Robb being on parental leave and me not working much. We'd like to see if Robb can find work first so we can (hopefully) move closer to where that may be. We're both hoping it will be on the island, as that's where we'd like to live and buy our land.

This post is already three days old, as I can't seem to find the time to write these days. Right now the babies are watching Pocoyo, Baby Boy is chewing on a blanket and Baby Girl is sucking her thumb. I work later today, so I should do the laundry, but my mind is on other things like non-profits and orphaned children. (www.sanctuaryforkids.org)

Kim

An interesting turn of events

So, we are kind of sick of where we live. I'm sure I've mentioned this to some of you. It was great starting out, but definitely not somewhere we'd like to permanently set up camp. (That is, this apartment, not the area.) That being said though, we are thinking of moving somewhere more rural... maybe the Sunshine Coast, or on the Island somewhere. It'll be hard to find work at first, but the rent would be cheaper and small towns amuse me. Robb's applied for a job in Victoria doing something he would have fun doing, and pays very well. I'm hoping it goes through, but the job posting doesn't end until January so we probably won't know until February. Send out good thoughts, everyone!

In other news, our car got broken into a few days ago. Okay, broken into is not the best description. More like, we forgot to lock it and someone decided to take advantage of that. They took a few CD's, one (not both) of the USB drives that were in there, and - for some strange reason - the car manual. There were things left that could have sold for a lot, so we're guessing this was just someone who saw an opportunity and jumped on it, not really having done it before. We're baffled about the car manual. Oh, and the hood was popped too, but nothing was missing. We checked the brakes and they were fine....

Also, I have a new job already. I'm pretty glad I got hired. It's cashiering at PriceSmart Foods. The guy that hired me said he couldn't guarantee me hours, and that I'd get about 4-8 hours a week, but then mentioned that they hired someone a week earlier who was getting 32 hours a week. The key is being available to come in with little notice. I shouldn't have a problem with that. Training is this week.

Anyway, I should shower and then we're going out. Value Village is having 50% off again today!

A long absence

I apologize for my lengthy delay. I have no excuse other than I nearly completely forgot about this blog. Strange, though understandable. I've had a lot on my mind lately, and if you like, I shall indulge you.

I can't remember if I'd mentioned it on here previously, but I had taken up work in a daycare position. It was difficult at first, but over the past couple weeks I thought I was getting a hang of it. The kids were listening more, I was getting the hang of how things worked and what needed to be done every day. Basically, what I'm saying is, I had no indication anything was going poorly; certainly not poorly enough to be let go. I had my three-week review, in which there were a few areas I could have improved. I didn't know if I hadn't mastered these areas in the next couple weeks I'd be fired. I did work on these areas over the next three weeks, and was not told I needed to improve or work harder in the areas mentioned, so it came as complete surprise that they thought I was incapable of doing my job.

 I was told late in the afternoon on Wednesday that I had my six-week review the next day. I was slightly peeved, as this was less than 24 hours notice (I would have expected at least a couple days notice) - was the expectation I had nothing planned, or didn't have a family, so that I could put my life on hold at a moments notice? It so happened I did have a dental appointment that I was not expected to be out of until at least 12, my review being at 12:30. I knew there was no way I would make it for 12:30, what with traffic and a 30 minute commute from the dentist's office already. I told my supervisor I would do my best to be there on time, but with the short notice, I couldn't guarantee anything. Had I been given sufficient notice, I might have been able to postpone my dental appointment, but this was not the case.

I went to my appointment, and was not out of the office until 12:17. I was worried, and stressed. I was going to be late to my review through no fault of my own, and I knew my lateness was going to get special mention. I was also angry because I knew they would place the blame squarely on me. And, sure enough, the first comment I get before I've even had a seat? "Time's really sensitive for us," she said curtly without looking at me. She shuffled her papers a bit as I sat down in shock. "... we'll just get started. We've decided to pass you on your probation. We don't think you're the right fit." I wait half a second before asking, "Could you be more specific?"

Their reasons were many, none of which I believe were fair at all. First of all, had I known anything was the matter I would have tried to fix it right away. One of the reasons they gave was that I was was not assertive enough with the kids. I thought, maybe I could have improved, but I didn't know how. When one of the kids was acting out, I would kneel down, look them in the eyes, and tell them why they shouldn't be doing what they were doing. For instance, we don't throw wood-chips because it might hurt a friend, or we don't climb on furniture because we might fall and hurt ourselves. Aside from restraining them, what else could I have done? Another reason they gave was that I didn't seem to take initiative, or do things on my own. I don't know where that came from either. On many occasions I was the only one making snack or cleaning up snack or cleaning up toys, or staying late because one or two kid's parents were late. We all did it, we all shared responsibility. One other thing they said that I was fuming over was that I don't engage the children in activities. I'm wondering if they weren't just making these things up as they went along. My supervisor was rarely around to supervise, so how could he have seen me do any of these things? I actually stopped her in the middle of her list after she said that I wasn't engaging the children. "Now, I know that's not right." I said. I was told to be quiet until she was finished. I just wanted to scream - as far as I understood, no one in that room was my supervisor anymore and had no right to tell me what to do. I was so distressed when they were finished I just broke down. It was completely unfair. I helped the children in many activities. I played table hockey with them, I did crafts with them, beaded art, I taught them how to finger knit, I played tag with them outside. I still cannot believe that they were using that as an excuse for me not to work there anymore. I can admit freely that it's possible I needed to work on other areas, but not to the point that I was neglecting my duties. The children were always safe in my care and never got away with anything (Another reason they said I was "not a right fit" - the children thought they could get away with more while I was around. I think this was incorrectly observed. I know I didn't exactly catch the children the MOMENT they acted out, but when you're left in a room of 12-16 kids alone, you're bound to miss something.) I also mentioned that I had only found out about the meeting the day before. I was told "It was planned on Monday." "Okay..." "And you found out about it on Wednesday." "Yeah." I waited for her to explain, but apparently I wasn't getting an explanation. She had nothing to say on the matter, as if it was not important, and continued on with, well, leaving. I was furious, but what could I do? Nothing I said would matter, apparently.

As I said before, I had no indication anything was amiss. I felt alienated at my work, and on more than one occasion decisions were made without my knowledge. As you can imagine, this didn't turn out well when I had no idea what was going on but was expected to. Because it is often hectic in that environment, I couldn't always just pull someone aside and ask them questions. Not to mention the fact that two of the four staff - the two staff I was with 98% of the time - were not to be left alone with the kids because they were supportive staff and had to tend to their own kids. So if I was outside with the kids, and one had to go inside to use the washroom, it was too bad. I couldn't go in with them, and I couldn't send them in alone. I also couldn't send them in if one of the supportive staff were in there because they couldn't look after anyone but their one child. What was I to do? I was so frustrated, and I had planned to bring this all up at our staff meeting, but it turned out to be nothing more than doing paperwork any one person could have done in an afternoon. Time ran out, and I had to do the walk.

I think the main thing that bugs me is that I had absolutely no idea I needed to improve. Everyone can improve at their job, but if you're new, and have no training, how can you be expected to know everything right away? And master it, no less? Especially when you're not being told you could improve?

Needless to say, I've been losing sleep over this ordeal. I'll be out looking for work today. They offered me a subbing position, but considering the circumstances I don't think I'll be working for that company again any time soon.

The worst thing of all is I'll really miss the kids.

Family doctor, work, and other things...

We finally found a family doctor accepting new patients. I'm really hoping we like her. The twins get their four month checkup, and I (hopefully) get a note saying I am "physically and psychologically capable of working with children." ("Hopefully" because they might not do it this appointment, and instead make another appointment for a full physical, only delaying my job start date.) Oh, I forgot to mention; I had an interview on Thursday for a job at North Shore Neighborhood House for a daycare position. All went well and they had me do up the paperwork. I only need to supply them with three references and the doctors note and I'm on my way.

I had a slight breakdown the other day when I realized I'd be working. It was kind of out of the blue. I don't want to be away from Spark and Silas. I'm going to miss a lot of them growing up. A job isn't just a job, it's getting the right amount of sleep, getting ready for work in the morning, winding down after work at night. An 8 hour day is more like 20 hours because of all that (commute included...). It's going to be really stressful, and I'll only see the twins for an hour or two each day. I'm going to miss them so much. If I don't work though, we don't have enough money. I have to keep reminding myself that even though I'm not physically there with them, I'm still "there for them" in providing a better life for them. I never thought it would be this hard.

I'll try to think of happier things. Like the fact that Value Village is having a 50% off sale tomorrow. I'm going in to buy a whole bunch of sweaters to up-cycle into new sweaters. It is kind of a patchwork project. It's going to be a lot of fun! I have some cool ideas floating around in my brain, so we'll see how they work out. (Or if I'll even get any time to work on them!)

Also, I found this blog. I haven't read much of it, but I happened by it just now, looking up "upcycling" in Google. It wasn't a link in my Google search, but was a link within a link. It looks interesting. :)

The twins are both asleep now, so I'm going to design some sweaters!

Parenting

This might be somewhat of a rant post. I'll try not to let it get too intense.

Babies cry for a reason. If you've "tried everything" then your baby wouldn't be crying. If you've tried everything, then start over. Try everything again. Unfortunately, because a baby can't tell you what's wrong, you have to figure it out yourself. Yes, this results in lack of sleep. Yes, this results in frustration. Yes, at times, this will make you angry. That's the thing about being a parent though; you can never quit. You can never give up because you are tired, or frustrated, or angry. You can take a time out, but you can never, ever quit. That baby needs you, and if you're too tired, it's too damn bad. You have to put yourself second from the minute that baby is conceived. You have to eat right, you have to take care of yourself (or your partner), and when it is born, most of that goes out the window. Now, it's baby time. If you are not completely, 100% devoted to that baby, it is going to suffer. If your baby has to cry itself to sleep, let it be in your arms. At least you'll know you did not give up and let them be alone in their sadness.

Imagine something making you so sad that all you can do is cry uncontrollably. Most people would not want to go through that alone. Even if there's nothing the other person can do, at least they are there for you.

Me? I would never just let my baby cry; least of all because I just "don't want to deal with them." Yes, it's been so bad that I cried too. I cried because I didn't know what to do. I cried because they needed me. I cried because I couldn't hold both of them at the same time. I cried because I didn't know who to love first. I cried, then did what I could, starting from the beginning. I made them bottles and fed them at the same time if I had to, bent over from tiredness, putting something on the TV so it would keep me awake. It was not easy. I never expected it to be easy. If I expected it to be easy, I'm afraid I would have let them cry, and leaving my child alone and sad when there's something I can do, even if that thing is just being there, is the one thing I will never do.

To all those prospective parents: Please, for the sake of your future children, think about them first. If you think you want children, ask to take care of a friend's baby. Not for an hour, not for an afternoon, but for at least 24 hours -  the longer, the better. Make sure it's during a really fussy stage, and when they're relatively new. Imitate the parents as much as possible. If the mother is pumping breast milk, set aside time for that, and realize you can't do anything but pump in that time. If one of you will be alone with the baby for a time during the day, can you handle it? Can you handle a crying baby, while you're going to get a bottle ready, then realize there are none clean, and have to make formula on top of it? Chances are you'll come away from that experience with a clear idea in your mind of whether or not you're ready to be a parent. If you are - if you come away from that experience sleep-deprived, in desperate need of a shower, ready to cry, but that baby is taken care of and happy - your child will be so much happier because of it. If you aren't ready, it doesn't mean you will never be. Give it some time, and come back to it. Least of all, being a parent shouldn't be forced. If it is, everyone suffers.

I'm tired now, and babies are asleep, so I'll end there.

Goodnight dear Void.

4 months old.

... and a couple hours. I just put Silas in a 6-9 month shirt! He looks handsome. It's a short-sleeved button-up shirt. My little man... 

It actually does seem like 4 months have passed since I had them. Twins are a lot of work. Had I had triplets we would have seriously looked for more help - volunteers, and the like - to get us through. As it was, I sacrificed a lot of sleep and sanity to make it through those first couple months. It's completely worth it. 

I was commenting to Robb that I do not feel like a mom yet. I'll probably feel like a mom when they are able to communicate more, interact more; probably around the time they start walking and talking. Then it'll hit me one day when I'm not expecting it and I'll cry. These little beings depend on me to make it work. Not just me, but Robb as well. (But I'll let him blog about his own experience.) Whatever Robb can't fix, I have to be able to. Those bad days when nothing goes right, that's mom territory right there. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it a lot. I love my babies, but I can't wait until they are able to play and communicate and walk. We are going to have the best days!

Things the twins are working towards:

Crawling - they can raise themselves up on their arms, get their legs under them, but not move much. 

Sounds - they are making more sounds every day. Spark says "mmmmmmmmmuuhh" when she's hungry, and "mmmuh mmmuh" when she's in pain from a gas bubble or something. Silas does not yet make any distinguishable sounds as far as I can tell. 

Movement - Silas will reach out for us when he's lonely or sad. Spark does it a bit too, but not as much - I think only because she seems to be a lot more independent. 

Watching them grow is so exciting! :)

A mom worries.

Babies develop at different rates. I know this. I've told this to many people, and it is so very true. I never understood how other moms of twins got so worried if their twins weren't developing at close to the same rate. Now I do. 

It's not even a huge discrepancy. Spark has been able to grab things for a while now. She knows how to grab her toys, how to hold on to them; she likes being on her belly and can push herself up some on her arms. Heck, another couple weeks and she'll nearly be crawling. 

Silas likes his toys but isn't too grabby yet. I'll put something in his hand and he'll hold on to it for a little bit, but it'll fall out. I'll put him in his chair with the toys hanging down in front of him. Because his only action these days is to jam his fists into his mouth, I think he's only grabbing the toys by accident while his hand is on it's way to Drool City. He also hates being on his stomach, so any progress towards crawling is near zero. I did get him to not freak out for a bit today while he was on his stomach, by sitting in front of him calling his name, talking to him, etc. But after about a minute he just didn't care anymore and wanted off. 

They're both happy little ones. Spark is eating normally. Silas's eating habits are a bit erratic. He'll eat, and then be hungry still, so we'll give him more to eat, then he'll proceed to spit up anywhere from 1-15 mls... sometimes more. The only time I know he won't spit up after eating is if he falls asleep during eating and I put him to bed. I don't know what's wrong really, he's been on the same formula since he was 2 weeks old. The only thing that's changed is the water - Coquitlam water is soft, Calgary water is hard. We still boil it before we make formula, so the actual water shouldn't be enough of a difference to make him this sick. Also, it started about 10 days after moving here, so had the change been water or surroundings related, it most likely would have manifested a lot earlier. He just seems crankier than usual as well. I'm putting my money on reflux. I know it, I've had it, it sucks big time for stomach cramps (which is why he probably doesn't like being on his stomach) and would be why he's spitting up more.

We're calling a family doctor tomorrow. They're only a few blocks away, and we found them online saying they were accepting new patients, so here's hoping! The doctor listed as accepting new patients has recently graduated from UBC, which I think is good. I like the new, fresh-minded doctors sometimes. We'll see how it goes. (I'm officially reminding myself to ask them about something to ease Silas's stomach.)

For now, babies are asleep and I am going to follow suit. 

Goodnight dear Void.

September 3rd, 2009

"Well, it looks like this is it. I might be pregnant. AAAAAAHHHH. I just took a pregnancy test and showed Robb and Isaac. I can't believe it. I don't know what to do. Vinny's moving in today but I don't want anyone else to know yet. I had to wrap up the test in a page of an old magazine and hide it in the garbage. I didn't even take a picture. Way too much going on today! I called the doctor and made an appointment for the 7th. I feel like screaming but I can't! Here's hoping the little one is healthy. I feel so excited, and I guess this explains why I've been sleeping so much!"

This is, to the best of my recollection, how I felt that day. Little did I know there were two little beans in there, which was why I was extremely tired. I had been sleeping nearly 20 hours a day!

Tout Doucement

When I was little, and first heard this song, I knew maybe 10 words of the French language. My little brain wanted to understand why she was saying "To do, to do, to do some more" and the rest of the song was in French. I apparently didn't have the deductive reasoning skills enough to realize that what I was hearing was actually French.

I love playing with words. The title of this blog, "Two Deux Some More", is a few things. First of all, it is Two, and Deux, because of Spark and Silvanus. As this is mostly a twin blog, I felt a play on the number two appropriate. Second it is a look back to my childhood, just how innocent it all seemed, and how much we thought we knew. Finally, it is a tribute to a song that has always been in the back of my mind. It's English lyrics are a little confusing, but the point gets across - go slowly, love simply, take care of the little ones; all things I look forward to doing.

All slow, all slow, all slowly 
Always, all slow, all slowly 
This way 
Life is amazing. 

All slow, all slow, all slowly 
Always, all slow, all slowly 
This way 
Life, I understand it. 

Never go too fast 
You got all the time you need 
Beware of the dynamite 
Take care of volcanoes 
Of those young nervous ones 
Who don't know how to go 

All slow, all slow, all slowly 
Always, all slow, all slowly 
This way 
Strolling prettily 

Never go too fast 
Loving simply 
To get success 
Be very very cautious 
Love will then come 
And snuggle up in your arms 

All slow, all slow, all slowly 
Always, all slow, all slowly 
This way 
Strolling prettily 
Smiling prettily 
Strolling prettily 
All slowly

A sprout... a beginning.

I chose the sprout background for a few reasons. This blog is new, and is a beginning of sorts. I've always wanted to blog, and now I have two little sprouts to blog about. Also, I think it is simple, and pretty.

This blog should have been started about ten months ago when I first found out I was pregnant with twins. (For reasons I that will become apparent later on, blogging during pregnancy was almost the last thing on my mind.) So much has happened in that time, I feel like it's been years.

Nevertheless I've started it now.

I have a concept of what I want this blog to be. It will mostly be about our life with twins, (that is, Robb and I) and what the twins are up to; but I also want to post retroactively, as I look back on being pregnant and everything I experienced then. It's been quite the adventure up until now, and I can only imagine the things we'll get into in the years to come!